Sister Hellen's class on Intermediate Comparative Religious Theory
Alternative Religions 202
As many of you know, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence is not a religious order. In fact, we pride ourselves of being non-denominational in the strictest sense of the word. That is to say we do not discriminate based on perceived race, ethnicity, age, economic advantage, nationality, sex, sexuality, perceived gender, creed or religion. Yes that's right, we don't care what a Sister's religion is and just as important isn't. SPI has members who are Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Faerie, Wicca, Agnostic, Atheist, Taoist, Buddhist, Cree, undecided as well as many many others. But for Hellen, even these religions are boring, "Been there, believed that! Time to move on kiddies."
So let me share some lesser known religions with the general unwashed
masses
(yes, that would be you.) I'm not
talking about Greek Orthodox or
even Cabala here, but true radical-bleeding-bloody-cutting-edge
beliefs.
Some of these adventurous religious systems have roots in a more
pedestrian
ho-hum doctrines like Zoroastrianism or Mythraism, but have long since
diverged
in a direction that takes them not on just a different path, but into a
different dimension. Below are some brief synopses of the
more esoteric
and for that matter more believable
creeds out there. If you don't
know which one you should convert to, write the name of each one on a
slip of
paper and draw one out of a hat. Trust me, you will be way
better
converting to one these than continuing to follow "whatever" it is
you believe now.
In seemingly no particular order, Sister
Hellen explains what it is to be a...
Geneshuist
Workshipers of the All Powerful Geneshoo
(See Pink Elephant God)
Heretaowican
A Heretaowican is an person that genersally of
believes some humans are
capable
of limited some sort of magic (or perhaps not) that may or may not
vaguely resemble
Wicca. Whatever the case regarding magic, Heretaowicans
definitely enjoy religious
rituals despite not necessarily believing the methods and steps produce
any
quantifiable results. They openly steal ceremonies from the
lesser religions;
co-opting the mannerisms while ignoring the underlying dull
superstitions.
Dressing up in flowing robes, gaudy capes, ornate hats that come to a
points
and carrying wands, scepters, crooks, staffs etc while wearing waaaay
too much
jewelry defiantly
puts
them in touch with the divine. The more
candles burnt, the more likely the divine spirits will come around to
see what's on
fire. Besides, it keeps candle makers in business.
Heretaowicans
follow a somewhat ambivalently Zen approach when it comes to worrying
about
what happens after death. Once freed from the body, as one
sage
Heretaowican put it, "My soul will go wherever it bloody well
pleases!
I'll worry about it after I'm dead." Heretaowicans especially
enjoy
making others uncomfortable by discussing the subject of death whenever
possible. A Bris is a great place to bring up the fact that
more
than ten
thousand American males die from urinary tract infections every
day. Mind
you, Heretaowicans are not specifically morbid, it's just that death is
so wonderfully taboo. Talking about sex was as much
fun in
the 60's, but the Internet sucked all the fun out of that taboo topic.
And lets face it, taboo topics are so amusing to
dwell upon
while being forced to pass the time
with unbelievers. ...which frankly is practically
everyone
on Earth! Still,
deep down Geretaowicans don't take any religious philosophy too serious
including their own. Their
primary creed; What I believe in tomorrow may be different than
what I belive today. But regardless of whatever I
believe in today, your religion is still stupid! To quote the founder, "I was a
hedonistic
non-believer, but then I was born again! Now I've turned my
life around
360 degrees."
Hypermaterialist
Hypermaterialism is a direct response to the
hippy-fairy "no job, no
worldly goods, no fun" existence of Buddhism. I mean, do you
seriously think not owning a TV is a blessing!?
Exactly!
Possessions may be the root of unhappiness, but I'd rather die than
have miss the last
season of LOST! That's why the Hypermaterialists dedicate
their life to
spending money and acquiring things. Not to be confused with
hoarders,
Hypermaterialists or "Hypers" actually (intend to) use everything
they get their sticky little fingers on. They will not keep
anything that
does not give physical pleasure, enhance their perceived net value or
is at
least worth bragging about. To a Hyper, a huge bank account
is
pointless, but a wall full of mint in-the-box Star Wars figures is
nirvana! Hypers believe that God is not some intangible,
metaphysical,
philosophical or transcendental concept. Rather God is quite
knowable and
is everything; emphasis on everyTHING
and can only be know though
the acquisition of said stuff. The more stuff you own, the
closer to God.
Their primary creed: He
who dies with the most goodies wins!
Secondbasian
The followers of Seondbasism believe to know the
will of the Gods
requires
physical pleasure. Lots and lots of
physical pleasure. So, I
hear you say, "there's already one of those religions thingies; the
Karmin
Suiter or something like that." and you'd be right if the
story
ended there. This particular religion has its root in
Georgian times as
just another offshoot of Tantric sex. Unverified church
documents
reputedly claim it began in at Bethel's Boreding Hous And Fine Ladys
Finishin
Skool in sunny downtown Moldgreen England. It would have
followed a
similar Karmasutra-ey path if it hadn't been castrated by the Victorian
era. To
put it succinctly; despite craving carnal sensation, Secondbasians
became
unabashed prudes. They find the the concept of having an
orgasm in the
presence of another person to be so offensive as to be
sacrilegious.
Still, the followers of this obscure cult spend much of their time
seducing the
opposite sex, the same sex, dressing up like women to lure sailors,
dressing up
as sailors to lure women or cruising dark alley dressed as women
sailors.
They can spend hours in the pursuit of Heavenly Petting,
Nippilingua
and religiously participating Barei Botomus Spankei.
In short;
the pursuit of sex is divine, but the act of actual sex is
evil. They
shun all forms of orgasm or intercourse, even the
kinds of sex former
President Clinton said he didn't have with Monica. They
believe getting
there is not half the journey, it is the whole
journey. Needless
to say, Secondbasians are not even remotely welcome on singles chat
forums and
there are there is simply no such thing as a second generation
Secondbasian
because "procreation is an abomination." Their primary creed:
Intereo a virgo, intereo gauisus. Si vos
vado
usque, peto abyssus!
Translation=Die a virgin, die happy. If you go all the way, go
to hell!
Vogonomist
Now here we have a truly avaunt guard
religion! A Vorgonomist
is a person
wishing to pursue the most mind-numbingly boring form of religious
observance. The Vogonomic Philosophy is based on the numerous
convolutedly arcane rules of Vorgon Economics from the Vogsphere home
world. Although not necessarily popular, Vogonomy is at least
universally
recognized as the the most rapid path to "unenlightenment" for those
intent on that sort of vocation. Interestingly, they have no
official
church building or meeting place, but rather preferring to ague the
various
merits of specific dusty rooms in large gray buildings filled with
hundreds of
sharp-edged metal desks and uncomfortable squeaking chairs that are
lighted by an
excessive number of second grade bare fluorescent tubes or the
equivalent. The reality is they rarely meet for services as
the paperwork
required to approve a meeting place takes far too long to fill out and
even the most
devotees give up before they have finished checking the boxes on the
675th page.
Besides, the service usually consists of days of procedural argument
resulting
in a decision that the chosen location is inadequate for their
needs. Their simplest creed: The summation of the
processing of financial, social (not including clothing items unless
that which
is used in the standard business practice for normalized barristers
during the
course of a standard work-week not including religious holidays
including state
sponsored or personal) when not primarily observed by the general
public when not
observed in public generally or though other means of communications
whether
publicly know, surveillanced or generally accessed by anyone in general
shall
be bliss. Unless the net result of the summation heretofore contains,
is
contracted to or may generally result in enjoyment or knowledge in
which case
said "bliss" shall be rendered null and void and the individual(s)
severely fined.
Puppeteerist
Yet another offshoot of Hinduism.
However, the flavor of the
religion is
altered significantly by the last step to "Brahma". The Hindu
believe that the highest form of incarnation on Earth is a
cow. Yes, a
flatulent, greenhouse gas emitting, cud chewing meadow pie making Big
Mac on
the hoof. Yuk! Worse the don't do anything, they don't
preach, serve god
or even follow instructions. This just can't be
right... Many years
ago, deity fearing people decided this interpretation needed
correction.
The sat down (probably crosslegged) and thought about the
issue.
"Let's see, the steps to Brahma are woman, man, priest then
...." Well, it became obvious that the closer to the deity
you were,
the more you bent yourself to their will. So the logical
conclusion was
the the highest form a soul could take was that of something that had
surrendered complete control to the maker's creation. In
short a
puppet. The Pupeteerian's believe that that we are all under
the deity's
control to a greater or lesser degree; the more you are controlled, the
more
God loves you. Being that puppets are the epitome of
controlled entities,
they became revered as the pinnacle of reincarnation, the equivalent of
the
Brahma Bull. Pupeteerians rituals start Friday night in the
Great
Hall. The hall has 2 rooms. First, participants
begin in dimly light
smaller room seated on small uncomfortable stools. There they
prepare for
the ritual by fortify themselves with the spirit Pupetui; a distilled
essence
of of grains and fruits that is scented with jasmine and honeysuckle
prepared
by virgin girls of age 13-16 years. It should be noted the
final brew is
typically about 60 proof. The wealthier member also partake
in a white
highly caffeinated powder which is inhaled through the nose.
Once the
congregation is sufficiently "spirited", the doors are flung open to
the main hall. The hall is even more dimly light; illuminated
only by
bright colorful spinning lights, mirrored walls and a shinny ball
suspended
from the ceiling. There the Puppeteerians tie strings to
their limbs; the
more fanatic members have even been known to have surgical implanted
eye-hooks
attached to major joints and their skull so that they can literally be
control
like puppets during rituals. The strings are gathered to a
set of
catwalks where the younger members of the religion pull and manipulate
the
strings of the adult followers in a frenetic dance that even John
Travolta
would disapprove of. A 5 piece combo replete with high
pitched male
vocalist turn out fast paced, repetitively mindless music that ads to
the
frenzy of flailing limbs. The ritual inevitably comes to an
end when the
strings become hopelessly tangled and the participants end up on top of
each
other in a writhing mass of sweaty flesh, torn clothing and a miasma of
halitosis. Puppeteerians are notorious for taking no
responsibility for
their own actions. Their primary creed; Don't blame me, God made me do it!
Preincarnationist
The Hindu, Buddhists and Native Americans
had it partially right when they realized that people are reborn to
this Earth
when they die. However, when it comes to the most enlightened
members of
a society they all got the order wrong. Wrong wrong
wrong!! Think
about it. What is the point of being reincarnated if forget
everything
you leaned. You can't change events, because that would be
cheating. The only way it makes any sense is if you can
create the events
that you know must happen because you've already experienced
them. In
short, you have to be reborn the second time before you were born the
first
time. That way, you already know what happened and it makes
you life so
much easier! If you you are born a Kennedy, then you know you
have to
become a womanizer. If your reborn a If you're
reborn to People's
Temple parents then you'd better learn to like Cool-aid or come up with
a
believable allergy to Guyana pretty quick!
Obviously, Einstein
would have been reborn as someone like Edison which would go a long way
to
explain how one man could come up with so many pattens in one lifetime;
he knew
what he had to invent when he was born.
Televoodooist
Televoodoo is the manipulation of other people by convincing them to
watch
endless reruns of McHale's Navy, Friends
or Full House.
Once you have hooked your victim on such banal mind anesthetizing
broadcasts as
Three's Company or Survivor, you
can easily get them to believe
your opinions of why 'Brenda should have been voted off the island' is
genius
(whereas normally your monosyllabic diatribes wouldn't get you the time
of day
with anyone owning an IQ much above their shoe size.) Once a
victim has
succumbed to brainwashing by a Televoodooist, it is difficult to bring
them
back to normal thinking. Just taking away their TV is not
enough; they
must be cut off from the internet, smartphones and the giles of AM
radio in
order to affect a true rehabilitation. Some victims have been
successfully treated with 50 to 70 hours of Masterpiece Theatre, Nova
and The
Mclear New Hour. The practice of Televoodoo appeals to many
of the
spiritually and emotionally cripples. Many of Britney Spears' fans are
reputed
to either be practicers or victims. The hold on the victim
can be made
more powerful by casting spells cast over Twitter. Their
primary creed:
Bob Saget is funny, Bob Saget is
funny, Bob Sag...
Textatarian
All the one can know about God is in the letters. Written
words are
infallible. Spoken words can be forgotten or
misinterpreted. There
is no reason to have to remember what people tell you when you can make
them
put it in writing. Nothing is worth saying if you aren't
willing to put
pen to paper. Numerous people of the city find that the world
rightly
revolves around the writer word. All communications with their fellow
humans is
in the form of letter input into
Hawkingsian
Hawkins as elder son of God.
May Gods are born as men but show their godlike powers later in
life. So
it is with the great God Stephen Hawkins. Besides simply
outliving a
devastating illness that kills most people in the 20's, the Hawkings
has
actually flourished. Granted not all find his prowess with
astrophysics
to be that impressive, but he certainly serves a beacon of hope to the
nerdier
cast of humans. After all, how many physicists can claim to
have written
2 all time best sellers, held the most coveted professorship in the
world (the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics)
for 30 years, discovered the most awesome and destructive objects in
the
universe actually leak, guest stared on Star Trek, Red Dwarf, The
Simpson and
Futurama, the first quadriplegic to experience weightlessness and
did it all from a wheel chair! The Hawkingsian bible is
naturally written
in Cobal.